Lately, I seem to be sucking at life.  You probably wouldn’t have noticed from looking at me.  No way would I let anyone see that I seem to be falling apart.  Even if you asked me about it, I wouldn’t tell you.  Not because I don’t trust you, but because I’d have to admit it to myself before I would even admit it to you.  I look at my life and cannot see how anything could possibly be wrong.  I’m back in Canada and living a very blessed life.  I have so many amazing people around me who love me.  I have a roof over my head and more food than I could ever need, which makes me a minority in this world.  Life should be great, but I feel like I’m falling apart some days.

Other days, I feel totally fine.  I’m loving life and have a lot to be thankful for.  But before I fall asleep, my mind starts thinking… Are you really ok?  Are you sure you really feel great?  It’s funny how you cannot seem to lie to yourself in silence.  I don’t even know if I’m not ok either.  I don’t know what I’m feeling.  I feel so ok, that I don’t even know why I’m writing this.  But I feel so not ok that I need to just spit everything out.

A huge part of this is probably due to the fact that I haven’t been great at putting effort into my relationship with Jesus.  Morning devotions haven’t happened much lately, and evening Jesus time seems way too forced and fake.  I’m reading all the right books, but those words aren’t Jesus’ words.  I cannot get to know God if I don’t actually talk and listen to Him.  Every time I do actually talk to God, it’s fake too.  I feel like I’m in the lowest of the lows right now.  God seems much too far away.  And most of the time I’m not even doing anything to change that.  When I do, my heart isn’t in it.  Which is totally dumb because I know that the only one who can fulfill all these holes I am facing is God, but then why is it such a struggle to be open to Him?

—————————————— {one full day later}———————————————-

Well, I hit my tipping point.  I kept thinking that I felt so in control of everything that it wasn’t going to take much for me to lose control fast.  And it didn’t.  Last night, Allyson and I were trying to hang up some shelves on her wall.  But it turned out to be a disaster.  First it was a disaster of giggles, then a disaster of frustration, and then I hit my disaster of tears.  Which didn’t want to stop.

My world just seemed shaken.  I laid in bed, crying, and not even sure why.  My thoughts went back and forth.  Why are you even crying?  Cause I’m not ok.  But you should be ok.  You are loved and God has a purpose for you.  But then why don’t I feel like that?  Why am I not ok?  Sometimes we learn the greatest lessons when we are not feeling ok.  Remember, Jesus is here with you.  Yes, but He is always here and I’m not feeling Him and I’m not learning any lessons.  Somedays I do all the right things, but I still don’t feel Him.  But your faith isn’t based on feelings, it based on truth.  But the truth isn’t helping me feel better either.  It’s not all about feeling ok.  I know, but then what is wrong with me?  

I remember when I was in the process of grieving, and my counselor said to me that my mind had been in such a state of ‘down’ that I needed to make sure I get it back to the state of ‘up.’  Otherwise I would start to have minor depression because I was used to feeling ‘down’ all the time.  Coming back it feels like I’ve almost hit a minor depression because I was in such a state of ‘up’ over GlobeTREK and I just can’t seem to reach it anymore.  And I’ve tried.  I’ve tried praying more, serving people, reading the Bible, reading books, worshipping, being still, but it just doesn’t seem to help.  I just feel lost. 

I know this post is a total down in the dumps.  I apologize…I just started writing and it all came out.  Next time you see me, I might not even outwardly show any of it.  But I’m learning to be vulnerable in the moment and not just when I can explain it positively.  And God graciously gave me a little hope this morning.  Romans 5:6-8 (The Message) says Christ arrives right on time to make this happen.  He didn’t, and doesn’t, wait for us to get ready.  He presented himself for this sacrificial death when we were far too weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready.  And even if we hadn’t been so weak, we wouldn’t have known what to do anyway.  We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice.  But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him.

That’s it right there.  God loved and loves me still through it all.  There is no greater love.